A Roadmap to processing your emotions

People like you and me show up to therapy for a lot of different reasons. Underneath all of those varying reasons is usually a common thread that navigating big emotions can be really difficult. Maybe you have a pattern of stuffing down emotions and pretending they aren’t there or maybe your pattern is to try to think your way out of your emotions or you get really angry and heated when feelings come up. It’s usually when those tried and true ways of dealing with your emotions stop working so well and your relationship with others is suffering that folks come into my office.

It’s a hard place to be when the things that used to work aren’t working anymore and also it’s a place that’s fertile for growth and new changes. 

Something I love to do is to help folks get to know their big emotions in playful and unexpected ways.

So when someone is telling me about a particular emotion whether it’s fear or sadness or guilt of shame…I ask this one question and for clarity’s sake, let’s just say we figured out together that you were feeling a lot of fear. 

I’d ask you, “What color is your fear?” 

Yes, I know I just asked a weird question and it’s one of my favorite questions to ask.

Asking a question like this is disarming to your emotions. It’s not asking a why questions which can easily put you on the defensive, rather it’s a simple but playful question that is inviting you to pause just for a moment. And as folks often find, pausing is easier said than done, especially if you have well worn tools to help you not feel your emotions (Stuffing down, deflecting, denying, placating, etc).

Getting to know your emotions is like bringing color to a world that largely exists in black and white, good or bad, yes’s and no’s. It’s realizing that you have a full spectrum of colorful emotions inside that you just haven’t gotten to know yet. Some emotions are spicier and bolder than others and some emotions are sweeter and more pleasant!

Discovering how to be curious with your emotions is a game changer because your emotions are just trying to offer you really important data and give you a roadmap on what you need. 

Which is why asking, “what color is your fear” when that fear is loud and noisy can be a beautiful starting place. That questions help you to use a different part of you brain. You can get to know your fear as a part of you instead of the whole of you. 

So let’s see what this question could bring up in action. 

Whenever I’m really afraid, my fear is usually the color green. Not a pleasant green like a beautiful forest, but a gross green like the icky, slimy kind that I would see in cartoons growing up. 

Just that tidbit gives me lots of insight. 

• First, I feel stuck in my fear. 

• Secondly, I feel really young in my fear.

• Thirdly, fear usually makes me want to be anywhere but inside of my body. 

Maybe this is familiar to you too. 

Pause and ask yourself what color your fear is. Think about where you’ve seen that particular color before. And then pull out some clues about what your fear is trying to tell you. 

Once you’ve identified how your fear is making you feel and how your fear is wanting to protect you and keep you safe, you can start to care for your fear. 

Here are a few examples of what caring for your big and intense emotions could look like: 

Put your hands over your heart and taking some really deep breaths. This helps you to ground yourself in the present moment. Feel your feet press into the floor and even wiggle your toes to feel whatever texture is below you. Keep breathing for a few more breaths. 

Once you feel like you’re in the present moment, try talking to yourself the way a really kind parent would talk to their child if their child was really upset. What does your fear need to hear from that safe and attuned parent? 

And if there’s time and space, you could get outside and walk around to remind yourself that you’re not stuck and also see things from different perspectives. Having a change in environment can do wonders for our insides! 

Trying and doing all of these likely won’t make the fear or whatever strong emotion you’re feeling go completely away, but it will help dissipate the overwhelmingness of said emotion so that you’re able to be with the emotion in a calmer way. 

The whole process of slowing yourself down reminds me of the part in The Wizard of Oz where you discover that the Great Big Powerful Oz is really just a little man behind a curtain. In my experience, fear tries to protect me by becoming so big and powerful that I will stay small and hidden, an option that kept me really safe growing up but unfortunately keeps me really stuck as an adult. 

Slowing down and coming back into the present moment can help give you perspective and understand what you were missing in that moment and what you were really needing. 

Hopefully that stirs up a sense of compassion (and if it doesn’t yet, this is where therapy is always helpful because you can absolutely learn how to do this!) and you get to remind yourself of the truth you need to hear and care for the parts of you that need some attention and tenderness. 

And as you come back to a place of acceptance, kindness, and gentleness within your own body and story, it can serve as a beautiful reminder that “There’s no place like home.” 

If this resonated with you and you’re realizing that you could use some help processing your emotions and learning to be more regulated and grounded when big emotions do arise, reach out to us at Fig Holistic Psychotherapy in Charlotte, North Carolina to schedule a free 15 minute phone consult. We see folks in person in our Charlotte, NC offices or virtually for any residents of North Carolina, South Carolina or Texas.